Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
he’s sick of your bullshit today
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone