Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.