me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William