Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.