ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping