The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You Might Also Like
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Good point.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn