My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
the composer
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.