Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay