Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You Might Also Like
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
The only equipped I am is ill.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.