Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”