Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
just leave it at the foot of the bed