me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Sunday
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.