Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.