ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The “baby” on the left….
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard