GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.