This is always good for a laugh.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?