I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.