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@UgIyPPL: me: siri tell me a joke
siri: *turns on front facing camera*
@simoncholland: I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it's a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
@hyperblastchic: Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
@gentilecoont: "Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name."
-Neutral Milk Hotel fans
@DanMentos: [first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"?
me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that