Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.