ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?