ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.