ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?