If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Just so funny
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Every time my phone rings
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.