[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*