Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
What number SPF blocks people?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone