ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.