ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time