My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies