[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
$3 #books
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.