[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You Might Also Like
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Anyone want a chair?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now