me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings