[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
You Might Also Like
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads