me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
You Might Also Like
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
🤣🤣
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.