ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT