ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.