Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
You Might Also Like
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Truth
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Teach your children to beatbox
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.