Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The news
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.