Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
seems like a niche market
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.