me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.