[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.