me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.