Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Netflix and scream at our children?!
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I can also cook 😂
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex