me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.