Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
new wife guy just dropped
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late