me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu