ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Anyone want a chair?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars