Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age