Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
British websites use biscuits.
he was correct
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.