Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*exercises sarcastically*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Anime is real
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”