Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
how to have fun when you’re poor
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”