Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Well well well…
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts